Wendy is Wide Awake and Wondering

A reflective but pragmatic friend of mine (Wendy – that’s her real name) wrote this on her Facebook status:

Wide awake.. Wondering.. What's it all about?? Knowing.. There must be more than this.. Feeling.. This is not how it was meant to be.. Considering.. The real next step.. Contemplating.. The options.. Presenting... The evidence.. Understanding... The impact.. Talking.. In riddles.. Concluding.. It's not that simple!!

I was struck by its simplicity and depth – it struck a chord with me and I wanted to write a blog post about it - she kindly agreed.

Yes, I sometimes lie awake at night wondering. We all must ask, sometime in our life, those big questions whose answers seem as elusive as the sleep that escapes us. The questions usually go along the lines of... Why...? What if...? How...? They are deep, penetrating, angst-ridden and they generally spiral out of seeming nothingness to fill a planet-sized vacuum in our heads that we didn’t know existed – like gas molecules set loose in the universe, they occupy every nook and cranny of our mind so that no other thought gets a look-in.

And I’m sure it’s not age-related or symptomatic of a mid-life crisis: I was asking big questions when I was considerably younger than I am now and I don’t think I really have satisfactory answers because the questions keep re-surfacing.

To be honest, though, I think it’s healthy. Asking questions, I mean. Asking questions demonstrates the rational side of our being: the bit of us that doesn’t operate by instinct but, instead, demands answers and explanations and solutions. However, the frustrating thing is that those answers generally don’t present themselves as easily as the questions themselves do. Which is why the latter keep bubbling away on the back-burner of our mind, constantly popping up at the most inconvenient moments - demanding our attention and having no sympathy for our sleep-deprivation.

That’s why there are philosophers and scientists and mathematicians and historians and explorers and inventors and writers and theologians – because they’re asking fundamental questions. They’re all on a quest for answers – to make life make sense, to make sense of the pain, the anguish, the suffering, the mistakes, the unknown quantities of human existence.

And Wendy is one of them.

‘There must be more than this... this is not how it was meant to be.’

And, yes, it really is not that simple!

I came across a quote today by Jean Paul Richter:

‘Joys are our wings, sorrows our spurs.’

So many wish that life was less characterised by pain, suffering, mistakes and failure and yet it is those experiences that really teach us the wisdom we need to manage our lives better and to teach others. Countless other thinkers have come up with similar truisms:

‘What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.' (Friedrich Nietzsche)

'Life is more tragic than orderly.' (Oswald Chambers)

'Every cloud has a silver lining.' (traditional English idiom)

'If you don’t make mistakes, you don’t make anything.' (unknown)

Even Saint Paul in the New Testament of the Bible states in his letter to the Roman Christians:

'We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character; and character, hope.'
(Romans chapter 5 verses 3 & 4)

Like a curious six-year-old constantly asking ‘Why?’, questions expand our mind and make us more aware of possibilities and solutions – but that creates yet questions. All of this unleashes the unique imagination and creativity that is characteristic of the human animal – but it brings the added conundrum that we are constantly dissatisfied, constantly seeking to improve ourselves, our community, our world.

Yes, these questions keep us awake at night but they also get us out of bed in the morning and cause us to work for a better experience of our world – and a better future for our descendants.

I think I'd go as far as to say that anyone who is NOT perplexed by such questions is probably in danger of a dangerously complacent existence and is actually missing out on a lot that life has to offer and the wisdom that comes with reflecting on life's experiences.

So, keep asking questions, keep trying to make sense of what seems to defy explanation and watch the threads tie, untie and tie again, one at a time. Reasoning and questioning is a God-given gift: we may not see the answers now but future generations will think better because we asked better questions.

What do you think?

What questions are you asking?

Please leave a comment - especially if your name is Wendy!

In real love the other person always comes first

In the last couple of days, the music world has been reeling from the untimely and tragic death of Whitney Houston, who, in spite of her talent and irresistibly good looks, suffered from drug abuse, alcohol abuse and an emotionally abusive marriage. I recall Whitney's stardom whilst being a student in the 80's and bopped along with the rest of them to 'I wanna dance with somebody (who loves me)' and 'How will I know (if he loves me)'. Although she has been out of the limelight for some time now, it is clear from the vast coverage of her passing and the messages of remembrance that she was still very highly regarded in the music world and has left a huge hole in many people's lives.

But what of the obvious hole that existed in her own life? She was clearly in a desperate situation and was taking prescription drugs at the time of her death to deal with the mental effects of her unfortunate circumstances. No amount of money, fame, talent or rich friends could heal her pain.

In the car today, our kids, my wife and I listened to a song made famous by Queen: '(I Need) Somebody to Love'. As the Glee vocalists thundered through the song and the lead guitar belted out its solo, my 12-year-old daughter quipped, 'This is the perfect song for tomorrow' - which happens to be St Valentine's Day. I smiled inwardly at her innocent remark, wondering if she really knew the depth of what it meant. For many people, so much hangs on that day, that word.

But Valentine's Day is fast becoming just another commercial showcase - as with any other significant date in the calendar: the supermarkets are heaving with gifts and chocolates celebrating 'love' and millions of people spend millions investing in attempting to secure that 'love'. Meanwhile, divorce statistics make one wonder why anyone chooses to tie the knot and the wedding industry tries to make us part with as much money as possible in tying that 'sacred knot', however long it may last.

In the musical adaptation of Charles Dickens' 'Oliver', the central character, feeling abandoned by the world, sings, 'Where is Love?' The world seems to echo this sentiment in the flood of books, films, songs and TV programmes which promise to answer the question in urging us to adopt a version of love that will apparently solve all our worldly problems, romance being purveyed as the cure-all for all that is wrong with the world. In fact, as we all know, this is lunacy: merely another escape route from brutal reality.

But reality need not be brutal - if we really understood 'love'. Not the slushy erotic love which disappears as fast as it is aroused and causes as much pain as is does unsustainable ecstasy, but the solid, determined, unconditional, sacrificial love that defies human understanding, that transforms lives, that overlooks the ridiculousness of our individual quirky-isms, that forgives the frankly intolerable. So many of us bring to our relationships an understanding of love that is demanding, demeaning and destructive - a brand of love that is cheap and most certainly not cheerful: it masks itself as love and then hounds the beauty out of relationships and destroys any chance of two human beings striking up a lasting friendship together. But that is the twisted interpretation of a real love that can, in fact, bring two diverse human beings together to form a bond so strong that the very worst that life can throw at them cannot shake them apart, the kind of love that makes life really worth living, even if everything else is lost.

This love asks not what another person can do for me but what I can do for that person. This love is fearless and self-less, but not blind. It looks for opportunities to build up instead of tear down.

In real love, the other person always comes first.*

But surely that love is unattainable?

No, that love is unusual, yes, but it is not unattainable and it is not out of reach of a single one of us. It just demands that we stop looking out for ourselves and look out, instead, for the other. That takes effort - and time - and practice.

I don't have the answers but I do have lots of questions and I believe that the answers are out there - we have to exercise trust in our ability and trust in each other; we have to exercise grace and forgiveness and humility and understanding; we have to accept - each other and ourselves; and we have to, for God's sake, reject anything that tries to parade itself as pertaining to true love when, in fact, it is the very opposite (read, watch and listen to what the media sell you by all means, but do so with a great deal of caution).

So, Happy St Valentine's Day: enjoy whatever degree of real love you have the opportunity to experience and take the rest with a very large pinch of salt.

'Love never fails.'

1 Corinthians 13v8 (Bible)

*Thanks to Canon J John, from whom I borrowed this phrase, having read his reflections on 'real love'.

My 9-year-old's 'To Do' List

Last weekend, my 9-year-old son wrote his own 'To Do' list. He has never written one before and I have never advised him to write one. However, he announced that he was going to write a 'To Do' list and he did - and he stuck it on the calendar for all to see:

1. The Industrial (that's his train set)
2. Breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Homework
5. Drumming
6. Trombone
7. Write in diary
8. Lunch
9. Tidy room (pick up 50 things and put them away)
10. Play with Industrial (that's his train set - again)
11. Go swimming
12. Watch DVD and have pizza

Why have I never written a 'To Do' list like that?
It's great. It has everything: work, rest and play - all in a day.
And he has his priority right where it should be - at the top of the list.
The question is, did he do any of it?

At 8am in the morning, he was downstairs putting his train set out - 'The Industrial'. He played with that for a good hour then he had breakfast and got dressed. That's three things ticked off before 10am.
Then he did his homework - unprompted. And he did his drumming and trombone practice before lunch.

The part that was not so successful was the 'Tidy room' item. That, for my son, is very ambitious. He tried but it was little more than a try. However, he'd written it down and he attempted it.

Yes, we did go swimming and yes, we had pizza whilst watching a DVD.

So whatever prompted him to write a 'To Do' list and what can I learn from my 9-year-old?

I do have a 'To Do' list - on the erasable whiteboard in the kitchen but there are jobs on that list that were written so long ago, I've almost forgotten why I wrote them there. Others are crossed off - completed; still others are partially rubbed out so barely readable.

What my 9-year-old's 'To Do' list reminded me was:

a) I need balance in my life: all work and no play was not good for Jack and it's not good for me.
b) I should put my priority at the top and start with my priority - and try and make it a fun one to get me motivated.
c) I need a mix of easy-to-achieve tasks and more-challenging tasks.
d) I need to schedule my tasks: set a start and finish time to avoid delaying or prolonging them.
e) I need to make my tasks ambitious but manageable - anything over-ambitious will not even get started.
f) I need my tasks to be achievable in the time given: my son completed everything he set out to do - well, nearly everything: at least he started on his room.
g) I need to attempt something great every day.
h) I need to be flexible - I may not complete - or I may have to change  - my 'To Do' list

My son was very realistic and very pragmatic about his goals for the day. At the start, he even admitted that he might not get all of them completed but he named the ones he really wanted to achieve - and he was motivated to achieve them, more so possibly because he wrote them down.

What have you learnt about 'To Do' lists?
How do you make your 'To Do' list work for you rather than you working for your 'To Do' list?

Please share your own insights by leaving a comment.