Wendy is Wide Awake and Wondering

A reflective but pragmatic friend of mine (Wendy – that’s her real name) wrote this on her Facebook status:

Wide awake.. Wondering.. What's it all about?? Knowing.. There must be more than this.. Feeling.. This is not how it was meant to be.. Considering.. The real next step.. Contemplating.. The options.. Presenting... The evidence.. Understanding... The impact.. Talking.. In riddles.. Concluding.. It's not that simple!!

I was struck by its simplicity and depth – it struck a chord with me and I wanted to write a blog post about it - she kindly agreed.

Yes, I sometimes lie awake at night wondering. We all must ask, sometime in our life, those big questions whose answers seem as elusive as the sleep that escapes us. The questions usually go along the lines of... Why...? What if...? How...? They are deep, penetrating, angst-ridden and they generally spiral out of seeming nothingness to fill a planet-sized vacuum in our heads that we didn’t know existed – like gas molecules set loose in the universe, they occupy every nook and cranny of our mind so that no other thought gets a look-in.

And I’m sure it’s not age-related or symptomatic of a mid-life crisis: I was asking big questions when I was considerably younger than I am now and I don’t think I really have satisfactory answers because the questions keep re-surfacing.

To be honest, though, I think it’s healthy. Asking questions, I mean. Asking questions demonstrates the rational side of our being: the bit of us that doesn’t operate by instinct but, instead, demands answers and explanations and solutions. However, the frustrating thing is that those answers generally don’t present themselves as easily as the questions themselves do. Which is why the latter keep bubbling away on the back-burner of our mind, constantly popping up at the most inconvenient moments - demanding our attention and having no sympathy for our sleep-deprivation.

That’s why there are philosophers and scientists and mathematicians and historians and explorers and inventors and writers and theologians – because they’re asking fundamental questions. They’re all on a quest for answers – to make life make sense, to make sense of the pain, the anguish, the suffering, the mistakes, the unknown quantities of human existence.

And Wendy is one of them.

‘There must be more than this... this is not how it was meant to be.’

And, yes, it really is not that simple!

I came across a quote today by Jean Paul Richter:

‘Joys are our wings, sorrows our spurs.’

So many wish that life was less characterised by pain, suffering, mistakes and failure and yet it is those experiences that really teach us the wisdom we need to manage our lives better and to teach others. Countless other thinkers have come up with similar truisms:

‘What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.' (Friedrich Nietzsche)

'Life is more tragic than orderly.' (Oswald Chambers)

'Every cloud has a silver lining.' (traditional English idiom)

'If you don’t make mistakes, you don’t make anything.' (unknown)

Even Saint Paul in the New Testament of the Bible states in his letter to the Roman Christians:

'We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character; and character, hope.'
(Romans chapter 5 verses 3 & 4)

Like a curious six-year-old constantly asking ‘Why?’, questions expand our mind and make us more aware of possibilities and solutions – but that creates yet questions. All of this unleashes the unique imagination and creativity that is characteristic of the human animal – but it brings the added conundrum that we are constantly dissatisfied, constantly seeking to improve ourselves, our community, our world.

Yes, these questions keep us awake at night but they also get us out of bed in the morning and cause us to work for a better experience of our world – and a better future for our descendants.

I think I'd go as far as to say that anyone who is NOT perplexed by such questions is probably in danger of a dangerously complacent existence and is actually missing out on a lot that life has to offer and the wisdom that comes with reflecting on life's experiences.

So, keep asking questions, keep trying to make sense of what seems to defy explanation and watch the threads tie, untie and tie again, one at a time. Reasoning and questioning is a God-given gift: we may not see the answers now but future generations will think better because we asked better questions.

What do you think?

What questions are you asking?

Please leave a comment - especially if your name is Wendy!

In real love the other person always comes first

In the last couple of days, the music world has been reeling from the untimely and tragic death of Whitney Houston, who, in spite of her talent and irresistibly good looks, suffered from drug abuse, alcohol abuse and an emotionally abusive marriage. I recall Whitney's stardom whilst being a student in the 80's and bopped along with the rest of them to 'I wanna dance with somebody (who loves me)' and 'How will I know (if he loves me)'. Although she has been out of the limelight for some time now, it is clear from the vast coverage of her passing and the messages of remembrance that she was still very highly regarded in the music world and has left a huge hole in many people's lives.

But what of the obvious hole that existed in her own life? She was clearly in a desperate situation and was taking prescription drugs at the time of her death to deal with the mental effects of her unfortunate circumstances. No amount of money, fame, talent or rich friends could heal her pain.

In the car today, our kids, my wife and I listened to a song made famous by Queen: '(I Need) Somebody to Love'. As the Glee vocalists thundered through the song and the lead guitar belted out its solo, my 12-year-old daughter quipped, 'This is the perfect song for tomorrow' - which happens to be St Valentine's Day. I smiled inwardly at her innocent remark, wondering if she really knew the depth of what it meant. For many people, so much hangs on that day, that word.

But Valentine's Day is fast becoming just another commercial showcase - as with any other significant date in the calendar: the supermarkets are heaving with gifts and chocolates celebrating 'love' and millions of people spend millions investing in attempting to secure that 'love'. Meanwhile, divorce statistics make one wonder why anyone chooses to tie the knot and the wedding industry tries to make us part with as much money as possible in tying that 'sacred knot', however long it may last.

In the musical adaptation of Charles Dickens' 'Oliver', the central character, feeling abandoned by the world, sings, 'Where is Love?' The world seems to echo this sentiment in the flood of books, films, songs and TV programmes which promise to answer the question in urging us to adopt a version of love that will apparently solve all our worldly problems, romance being purveyed as the cure-all for all that is wrong with the world. In fact, as we all know, this is lunacy: merely another escape route from brutal reality.

But reality need not be brutal - if we really understood 'love'. Not the slushy erotic love which disappears as fast as it is aroused and causes as much pain as is does unsustainable ecstasy, but the solid, determined, unconditional, sacrificial love that defies human understanding, that transforms lives, that overlooks the ridiculousness of our individual quirky-isms, that forgives the frankly intolerable. So many of us bring to our relationships an understanding of love that is demanding, demeaning and destructive - a brand of love that is cheap and most certainly not cheerful: it masks itself as love and then hounds the beauty out of relationships and destroys any chance of two human beings striking up a lasting friendship together. But that is the twisted interpretation of a real love that can, in fact, bring two diverse human beings together to form a bond so strong that the very worst that life can throw at them cannot shake them apart, the kind of love that makes life really worth living, even if everything else is lost.

This love asks not what another person can do for me but what I can do for that person. This love is fearless and self-less, but not blind. It looks for opportunities to build up instead of tear down.

In real love, the other person always comes first.*

But surely that love is unattainable?

No, that love is unusual, yes, but it is not unattainable and it is not out of reach of a single one of us. It just demands that we stop looking out for ourselves and look out, instead, for the other. That takes effort - and time - and practice.

I don't have the answers but I do have lots of questions and I believe that the answers are out there - we have to exercise trust in our ability and trust in each other; we have to exercise grace and forgiveness and humility and understanding; we have to accept - each other and ourselves; and we have to, for God's sake, reject anything that tries to parade itself as pertaining to true love when, in fact, it is the very opposite (read, watch and listen to what the media sell you by all means, but do so with a great deal of caution).

So, Happy St Valentine's Day: enjoy whatever degree of real love you have the opportunity to experience and take the rest with a very large pinch of salt.

'Love never fails.'

1 Corinthians 13v8 (Bible)

*Thanks to Canon J John, from whom I borrowed this phrase, having read his reflections on 'real love'.

My 9-year-old's 'To Do' List

Last weekend, my 9-year-old son wrote his own 'To Do' list. He has never written one before and I have never advised him to write one. However, he announced that he was going to write a 'To Do' list and he did - and he stuck it on the calendar for all to see:

1. The Industrial (that's his train set)
2. Breakfast
3. Get dressed
4. Homework
5. Drumming
6. Trombone
7. Write in diary
8. Lunch
9. Tidy room (pick up 50 things and put them away)
10. Play with Industrial (that's his train set - again)
11. Go swimming
12. Watch DVD and have pizza

Why have I never written a 'To Do' list like that?
It's great. It has everything: work, rest and play - all in a day.
And he has his priority right where it should be - at the top of the list.
The question is, did he do any of it?

At 8am in the morning, he was downstairs putting his train set out - 'The Industrial'. He played with that for a good hour then he had breakfast and got dressed. That's three things ticked off before 10am.
Then he did his homework - unprompted. And he did his drumming and trombone practice before lunch.

The part that was not so successful was the 'Tidy room' item. That, for my son, is very ambitious. He tried but it was little more than a try. However, he'd written it down and he attempted it.

Yes, we did go swimming and yes, we had pizza whilst watching a DVD.

So whatever prompted him to write a 'To Do' list and what can I learn from my 9-year-old?

I do have a 'To Do' list - on the erasable whiteboard in the kitchen but there are jobs on that list that were written so long ago, I've almost forgotten why I wrote them there. Others are crossed off - completed; still others are partially rubbed out so barely readable.

What my 9-year-old's 'To Do' list reminded me was:

a) I need balance in my life: all work and no play was not good for Jack and it's not good for me.
b) I should put my priority at the top and start with my priority - and try and make it a fun one to get me motivated.
c) I need a mix of easy-to-achieve tasks and more-challenging tasks.
d) I need to schedule my tasks: set a start and finish time to avoid delaying or prolonging them.
e) I need to make my tasks ambitious but manageable - anything over-ambitious will not even get started.
f) I need my tasks to be achievable in the time given: my son completed everything he set out to do - well, nearly everything: at least he started on his room.
g) I need to attempt something great every day.
h) I need to be flexible - I may not complete - or I may have to change  - my 'To Do' list

My son was very realistic and very pragmatic about his goals for the day. At the start, he even admitted that he might not get all of them completed but he named the ones he really wanted to achieve - and he was motivated to achieve them, more so possibly because he wrote them down.

What have you learnt about 'To Do' lists?
How do you make your 'To Do' list work for you rather than you working for your 'To Do' list?

Please share your own insights by leaving a comment.

Goodbye, Mr Donaldson

'Some people make the world a better place just by being in it.'

(Anonymous)

Today, we said goodbye to Mr Donaldson. He joined our school as a temporary member of support staff just three months ago but we couldn't keep him longer because the money wasn't there. However, in that time, he has made more impact than I thought was possible.

We held a surprise special assembly for him yesterday: without referring to Mr D, I showed the children the quote at the top of this post: 'Some people make the world a better place just by being in it.' I asked the children what kind of person that might be - they astonished me with the depth and breadth of their answers: caring, responsible, trustworthy, generous, honest, irresistible...! The list went on and on.

I then explained that, even though Mr Donaldson was leaving, he had made such a difference in such a short space of time - and almost without being noticed. How did he do this?

Mr Donaldson is one of those people who sees a need and does his best to meet it without bringing attention to his actions or disrupting proceedings. In the classroom, whilst the teacher is teaching, he will casually and unobtrusively advise a distracted child to focus. Whilst circulating, he talks to the children in an amiable way about themselves and their learning, giving respect and expecting it in return. He will identify the struggling child and give that child whatever he or she needs in order to experience success, be it his own time with the child - or additional resources to aid their learning. He doesn't need to be told what to do or who to support - he has an intuitive response which provides a life-line to the child and is a life-saver for the teacher. He has a unique, laid-back, off-hand manner which is disarming to children but which, at the same time, engages them and demands they do their best. How does he achieve this with individuals who cause teachers to despair of ever making a difference?

Mr Donaldson is relational. He is intuitive. He is resourceful. And he is focused.

Mr Donaldson builds relationships with children which enable him to see into their lives. He builds knowledge about their experiences and their needs. And he builds scaffolding to help children learn and behave - and to manage their learning and behaviour. But it's the relationship that makes the difference.

Relationships are at the core of human experience - and building relationships is a fundamental requirement for success in any field of human activity. Without good relationships, progress stalls and opportunities are missed; good relationships make for good solutions. Good relationships build trust, they build cohesion, they build bridges. Good relationships keep things in perspective: mole-hills remain as mole-hills and crises are managed in such a way as to minimise turbulence and dampen after-shocks.

I have only met one other member of support staff quite like Mr Donaldson - another quiet and unassuming man who made an impact just by being there. It makes me realise what a difference one person can make: people like me need people like them.

Goodbye, Mr Donaldson.

And thank you for making my world a better place...

Phil

Put your words to work

'Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.'

Martin Luther King

During a week when many have been remembering the life and achievements of Martin Luther King, it is a great opportunity to inspire young minds about the power of persuasion.

Children, in particular, respond passionately to issues of fairness and justice. You only have to tell them the story of Martin Luther King and they respond with an outraged, 'That's not fair!' However, what inspires me most is when children themselves become inspired by King's 'I have a dream' speech and write their own 'I have a dream' statements. It reminds us big people of the real potential and possibility for change.

However, as Sam Biddle reminds us in his Gizmodo blog, entitled, 'Twitter doesn't make you Martin Luther King', celebrating King is a 'good time to remember that change takes actual doing.' He finishes with the pithy statement: 'Fauxtivism is worse than nothing — it trivializes the issue, mistakes gesture for action—and makes you feel good when you haven't accomplished a thing.'

In an age when social networking has completely changed the way we communicate, network, write and even think, it is all too easy to post well-worn platitudes on a blog, wall or timeline: they may sound good and they may make us feel good sharing them: we might even believe that, by 'sharing' inspiring words, we are doing our bit to change the world. I have to admit that my own Twitter bio actually includes the phrase 'changing the world one thought at a time'.

The fact is that, as Sam Biddle correctly points out, change doesn't happen just because someone spouts a few words, nor does it happen because those words go viral. Change happens because someone put those words to work. Martin Luther King worked tirelessly to promote his ideals - persistently advocating non-violent protest against segregation and racial discrimination. His strategies involved non-violent campaigns and marches, which were strongly influenced by his admiration of Mohandas Gandhi's satyagraha principles.

Joel Barker once said, 'Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world.'

Similarly, a biblical writer penned the words: 'Faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.' (James 2v17)

King had vision and faith in abundance, yes, but he also put it to work. His faith fed his dissatisfaction, which spurred his vision, which prompted his actions. King was focused and on fire. No one can claim to be an armchair protestor - you need to get up and get out.

So, are you walking in King's footsteps and, if so what are you doing to promote and continue world-changing behaviour?

Personally, I need to challenge myself daily by asking myself: 'Is what I devote myself to serving me or serving the world?' Am I doing what I want to do or am I doing what the world needs me to do?

Thanks for dropping by - feel free to comment and to contribute your own thoughts on this.

And, please - do hold me accountable and come back to ask how I'm doing: we all need a gentle reminder to jog our social conscience.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

Martin Luther King (Washington, 1963)

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in bite-size chunks

Question: 'How do you eat a whole elephant?'

(Answer below.)

Yet again, I was called on to lead a school assembly at short notice this week. Something about others being absent and me available, I think.

We are continuing our theme of 'Going for Goals' and I really wanted to impress upon the children the importance of tackling goals in the right way: try and achieve a mammoth task all at once and you're soon likely to drop out and give up.

Most of the children know the song 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' from the Mary Poppins musical but not all of them find the word easy to say, let alone sing. So I chose a child - a willing volunteer who admitted that she didn't find the word easy to pronounce. And, yes, on first attempt, it was clear that that was indeed the case.

But what if you break the word up - like so:

SUPERCALI

FRAGILISTIC

EXPIALI

DOCIOUS.

The slightly nervous child agreed to try the smaller 'words' in turn - and succeeded quite handsomely.

On hiding the bottom word, 'docious', she repeated the task - successfully once again.

Having eventually hidden all four parts of the word in question, she then attempted the entire word, putting all four parts together. It isn't difficult to see that this approach enabled her to achieve what she previously found difficult.

On asking the children what they thought enabled her success, they volunteered the following:

- breaking the task into smaller parts

- practise

- trying

and one that I hadn't expected:

- encouragement.

Just how many people either give up on their goals through lack of will - or don't even make a stab at making their achievement of them a reality? A goal is nothing without a strike of some description: but I don't think there should be a limit to the number of strikes allowed. I mean, it's not as if every golfer gets a hole-in-one, is it?

In school, I've talked about 'steps to success': the small steps you make in lessons to achieve the learning. Follow them carefully, and you're almost guaranteed success.

I recall a camping trip once with a bunch of 9- and 10-year-olds.

We had the opportunity to use a rope swing but the children found it very difficult to swing successfully from the starting block to the landing pad. So we introduced and discussed relevant 'steps to success' in order to achieve a successful swing and landing. They went something like this:

a) hold the rope tightly at a position above your head

b) lean back

c) jump forward and pull your feet up

d) let your feet down as soon as you reach the landing pad

e) jump onto the landing pad and let go of the rope before you start to swing back again.

Without exception, every child achieved success on the rope swing when they followed these steps - and I managed to improve my own performance as well. Within that experience, they all knew the small steps they had to take, they practised, they persevered and, joy of joy, they encouraged each other and celebrated each other's achievements.

I've got the 'superfragilisticexpialidocious' word stuck up in my classroom now: I hope it inspires the kids and me to take on more and not to underestimate our abilities or potential.

You can only change the world one step at a time....

If you have anything to add to this discussion, please leave a comment.

Phil

(and the answer to the elephant question? 'Elephant burgers.')

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Most Saturday nights, our family sit down with a pizza and dvd. Our kids take turns choosing a dvd and we all have a great time - except that, more often than not, I fall asleep and get told off by my daughter. One film we have watched several times and through which I haven't fallen asleep is 'A Cinderella Story', a comedic take on the popular fairy-tale. The reason is not just because it's actually an entertaining yarn but there is an inspiring thread that runs through the story - based on a quote on Sam's dad's diner wall:

'Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.'

Sam's fear in the story is palpable: she wants the best but feels she is unworthy, unattractive and un-noticed. Fortunately, she has an ally in Rhonda, who has total belief in Sam.


Fear can be crippling, debilitating, paralyzing - it's power is such that it can make us deny our true ability, talent and potential. Fear makes us doubt ourselves and our prospects. Fear makes us anticipate the worst by asking questions like, 'What if... happened?' when, in fact, we should be asking 'Why not...?' and saying, 'So what if... happens?'


I am currently in a temporary contract, having always been in permanent employment. An opportunity for promotion has come up in my place of work and the job description is very closely aligned to where I want to be. However, that dark devil called Doubt has sown seeds in my mind which have sprouted into full-blown fear: What if I apply and don't even get an interview? What if I get the job and it turns out to be a millstone round my neck? What if the organisation I work for goes for a dive? What if my boss turns out to be a control freak and I become trapped? What if...?


Alternatively, I could become freelance and run my own business... but (!) What if I get it completely wrong and no one buys into my services? What if I'm not as good as I thought I was? What if it fails to take off and we have to sell our home and lose everything? What if...?


So what! What if the worst did happen? In my near half-century of experience called 'life', I have been through some hell-ish situations and I'm still here: stronger, wiser - and still fighting. So what if stuff happens?! Feel the fear and do it anyway, said Susan Jeffers.


An acronym for fear that I came across a while ago describes the truth about fear pretty well:

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.

The anticipation of 'what might be' is false evidence: the real 'real' is who you are - not what happens to you.


Robert H. Schuller said, 'If you listen to your fears, you will die never knowing what a great person you might have been.'


Lucille Ball wrote: 'I would rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.'


And Mark Twain fanously penned the words, 'Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do.'


Clearly, fear is not only a well-written subject but also a well-worn emotion and one that we all must face.
So what am I doing to combat my fears?

1. I talk to trusted friends about my fears. One such friend told me, 'You have to apply for that job.' (Thanks, Jon!) So I will.
2. I argue against my fears. I AM an experienced and skilful professional. I KNOW I'm good and, actually, so do plenty of others because they tell me so.
3. I accept my feelings: my fears are real but what they"re telling me is not. I'm not going to pretend I'm not afraid but neither am I going to let my fears conquer me - even if they appear to win the battle in the short term.
4. I take steps towards conquering my fears: each action I take towards achieving my goal and getting closer towards where I want to be strengthens my courage and dampens my fear. I remember the first time I delivered a seminar: before the event, I was terrified - imagining all the things that could possibly go wrong and all the reasons why I shouldn't be the one delivering the seminar. Nevertheless, I prepared well, visualised myself delivering at my best and went ahead and did it - to a great reception, thankfully.

Which brings me to my final point on this subject: you can allow fear to become your worst enemy, causing you to feel trapped and lifeless - or you can make fear your ally, using it to prepare you, caution you, strengthen you and propel you.


Face the fear and do it anyway: really - what have you to lose?


How do you face fear? What has worked well for you?


What strengthens you in the face of fear?


How have you used fear rather than allowing it to abuse you?


Leave a comment and join the conversation!


Thanks for dropping by.


Phil